Einstein's Underpants--And How They Saved the World by Anthony McGowan

Author:Anthony McGowan [Anthony McGowan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: RHCP
Published: 2010-04-01T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 27

THE BORGIA RESPONSE

ADMIRAL THLUGG WAS going over the final invasion plans. He was surrounded by a group of his senior officers, who were careful not to get in his way. This was the part of the job Thlugg enjoyed the most. Except, of course, for eating the defeated foes of the Borgia Empire. He pointed at a map, using what was left of the cosmonaut’s fingers, and vented: Blue cheese, public lavatory, goat spit, angel cake, fish slime, smoky bacon flavour crisps, aubergine purée, Earl Grey tea.

Or: ‘This insignificant offshore land mass here – known, I believe, as Big Britain. That shall be designated a barbecue area.’

He was interrupted by Lieutenant Unguent, a small, nervous officer from the Intelligence Division.

‘As you know, O G-G-Great Leader with the aroma of r-r-rotting Quagg c-c-carcasses—’

Thlugg gave an exasperated burp. ‘Enough of your flattery. What is it you want?’

‘Yes, O f-f—’

‘Spit it out, man!’

‘F-f-flatulent one. We have been uploading data from our spysats in orbit around Earth. Following our analysis of the preliminary data, we also sent down a reconnaissance operative to make direct observations. It seems that there may be more of a p-problem with the harvesting than we anticipated.’

‘Problem? I understood that Earth military defences were feeble. That they were limited to archaic projectile weapons and primitive thermonuclear devices with no more power than a Clumtach’s fart.’

‘This is true, O Mighty and Effulgent War Leader, but there have been reports of special – how shall I say? – g-g-guardians, who watch over the human race as a nipherd g-guards his nips.’

‘Ah yes, I have heard of these guardians. They are depicted in certain sacred Earth texts, are they not? Strange figures such as Mansuper, and the human-arachnid cross-breed, and the one who has the powers of the bat. But did not our experts in alien cultures decide that these figures were mythological?’

‘Yes, my lord, so we thought,’ said the young Borgia, losing some of his natural (and sensible) fear of the admiral as he was carried away with enthusiasm for his subject. ‘But now it seems we have p-proof of their existence.’

‘Proof?’

‘Yes, Admiral. We p-picked up a series of transmissions from an Earth scientist, who appears to be guiding a group of these guardians – or superheroes, as they are sometimes known. He has somehow obtained evidence of our plans—’

‘IMPOSSIBLE!’

‘So we thought. But this scientist really appears to have developed a scanning technology powerful enough to detect our presence.’

‘Interesting,’ said Thlugg.

‘And it now appears that this scientist has brought the Earth’s finest champions together and is training them so that they might mount a resistance to our invasion. They may also have developed new weapons. But even without new weapons, they possess powers which may impede our progress. For instance, there is one whose name would appear to be Boy Tortoise.’

‘Tortoise?’

‘A heavily armoured reptilian species. And if this Boy Tortoise can replicate the powers of the fearsome tortoise in the way the Man-Spider can assume the powers of the arachnids, then .

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